Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
