do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
