I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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