Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
