"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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