life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
