when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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