No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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