If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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