Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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