First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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