Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
