she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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