I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
