She tied me up with her honor cords...
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
