woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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