Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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