I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
