I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
