Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
