just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Too much gin, very little bucket
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
