Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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