I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
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