Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
