i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
