He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
