first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
