Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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