Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
