you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Drunk is not a location!
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
