Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
