im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
