new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
