i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
