if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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