I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
