There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
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