I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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