Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
