Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
