you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
