i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
