hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
