I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
