I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
