Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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