I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
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