She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
