so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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