I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
