thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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