I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
